August 10th Philippines

I wasn’t as nervous going to class today, but when I got there Dor had to leave to take care of a babysitting situation for his kids so he had me listen to another instructor for the class part. Umm… He didn’t teach like Dor. He talked a lot faster and as he was explaining what were would have to do in water I was slowing building a panic attack. It seemed like a lot. He talked about taking off my mask under water and gear and then putting it all back on under water. He also talked about taking my dive mask off completely underwater and putting it back on without going to the surface and using my regulator to clear the water. He sometime would look at me and I would shake my head yes and try to look calm and cool, but in my head I was thinking WHAT I thought you keep your gear on so you could breath and see under water. 

F**K what was I getting myself into I though, and than I could feel my emotions getting to me and Oh NO… I could tell I was about to start to cry! Let me tell you I don’t like to cry in public. I get very uncomfortable about it, but when I’m mad or nervous/terrified I can’t help it. I got up and went the bathroom without say a word scared if I talked they would know. I had to get myself together. Of course when I cry my nose runs and NO there wasn’t any toilet paper and I was trying to clean myself up so no one knew I was in panic mode. I finally had to came out of the bathroom and as an employee that was walking by  if they had any more toilet paper. He could tell I had been crying and was concern right away. He pulling me into the locker room area and him and a couple other workers sang to me, told me it would be all alright, and joke all to cheer me up. It was really nice actually! Dor showed back up while I was still back there and walked me outside and we sat on the end of one of the boats. He told me it was normal to freakout and that we did not have to go as fast as other group. He explained that we could take our time and go with my comfort level. I felt better and up for continuing my training, though I still felt embarrassed.

 I know it is normal but I just want to be stronger than I am. I wish I didn’t have to be so scared of everything when I see so many other people brave and so good at everything. It makes me want to punch myself in the face.