To Be A Good Person

I want to be remembered as a person everyone can relay on.  I’m ok if people say I was a little passionate, spoke my mind, got way too excited about little things, and maybe like to have a little too much fun sometimes, because anyone that knows me, knows that is the truth. 

I have learned a lot about myself in the past few years. 

What I say in my head to what comes out of my mouth is not always the same. I am afraid to show weakness or get embarrassed. I wish I could show more compassion. I laugh or smile at uncomfortable situations even if it isn’t supposed to be funny. I talk too much when I’m nervous or scared. Or I may not talk at all. I have a hard time opening up and being myself with the people I want to make friends with. Its because I’m worried they won’t like me, I think…. Which is silly! 

 I don’t feel in control of my life right now, and I find that makes me short tempered. and frustrated. I have worked hard my whole life and I don’t have a lot to show for it. I do, but I don’t! I know this is where I’m thinking about materialistic things. When I say materialistic I just mean I can’t afford a house right now and I don’t have the best vehicle.  I have a year full of travels that set me pretty far back emotionally and financially. When I was gone I lost my house and MY car. A story that I am still trying to get over,   I am so proud of myself for traveling and even though, I spent most of my savings, I made more memories in that year than in most of my life. I also found I lost friends when I was away. I mean they didn’t get mad at me for leaving, but they just went on with their lives and we haven’t connected sense I have been back. Which is so weird, because I used to talk and see them on a monthly if not more frequent basis. I hate that the most.

I acknowledge that I hold grudges and distance myself from people that hurt me. I finally realized that I need to  try to limit my time with assholes. I’m working at forgiving and realizing not everyone has intentionally  hurt me. I may forgive, but I will not forget what someone has done. Someone once told me the person who came up with I will forgive and forget, was the one that was needing to be forgave.  

Who I think I am is not what others see. In work and in social interactions I seem to have an issue with people thinking I’m intimidating or unlikable. To be honest with everyone I am very self conscious. I second guess everything I say and I always overthink everything. I always think the worst. If someone doesn’t talk to me and I notice… I start to think maybe they think I’m annoying or just don’t like me. Maybe, I did something that made he/she upset. I’m trying to work on being more confident and not worrying so much about what others think of me, but it is a challenge, to me.